Ease from my Conditioning

A few months ago I came up with an important question for myself:

"Who would I be if not defined by my conditioning?" A question I often ponder.

Last night I got a good view of the answer.

Yesterday was the 50th birthday of a friend I've known for over 42 years.  He's like my big brother.  He was my first crush.  He's my friend.
Also in attendance was his brother, mother, wife, their son, a few family friends and his best friend that I also grew up with and just love.

When I'm around them I feel like I can be myself.  There is no judgement.  Either from them or from myself.  I did have quick thoughts of "do I look ok" etc. but they passed quickly.  I don't have to fix myself or them.

Hugs, smiles, laughter, Pie!, music and singing.    Singing in public.  That's a biggie for me.  Due to my well intentioned conditioning, I can get very judgmental of my singing and others singing.

It wasn't there.  We were just singing.  James taylor, America, The eagles.  Songs of our life.    
I felt at ease.  Comfortable.  Grounded.  I didn't want to leave.

I slept well and woke up thinking of other places I feel this.  With my husband, with my good friend from high school, whom I don't see near enough, and with my spiritual teacher.
I'm sitting with the ease in my system.  This feeling must be becoming more prevalent as I heard some family distress this morning and it didn't take long for my system to come back down.

This is progress.

So I ask you, who would you be if not defined by your conditioning?

A Change

For the past few weeks, whenever and where ever I use the bathroom, I often need to change the toilet roll.

I guess the universe is trying to tell me something.

Finish what you have left and then start a new.  This really feels right.
The old stuff can be useful to the end but its time I finish with it and start something new.   Maybe with something that softer and gentler.

Letting go of what we know is hard.  It becomes habit and soon we don't even see it.

I've been doing a "get healthy" plan over at transformation.com and it works.  When I do it....

I stayed pretty conscious of the plan (eating well and exercising) for about 12 weeks.  I did lose some weight and I did lose inches.  I'm feeling better.  And my husband and I are deepening our relationship as we do this together.

Then the emotional part came in and old mindsets, old mean voices, old habits began creeping back in.

Today I bravely stepped back on the scale and although I was thinking I was doing "fine", I had gained some weight.

This is my new starting point.  I want to look at what old stuff I can get rid of, where the new habits wouldn't quite stick and get back into a healthy routine.  But I can't do it the way I've been doing it.  

Maybe I need to take it a sheet at a time.

Time to change the roll!

This is going to be interesting.

A Reframe

On my birthday I was over at "It starts with" and I was touched by Sarah Peck's post.
She speaks about just Showing up.  Just show up.    I think I can do that.

And then I read further down and she was quotes a line from the Everest Blog: If You're Told no, Do it Anyway.  "There are a hundred ways to not be happy"  Which got me thinking.

I am really good at not being happy.  Really good.  I think I fake happiness pretty well.  
I then got his idea.  Why don't I write a  list of all the things I do well at not being happy.  Then I can check them off my list as done!  Check!  Did that!  Now when I do those actions I find myself saying, I already did this, checked it off my list, time to do something else!  

Here is my list:  All the Things I've Done to Master My Unhappiness 

- Eat too much sugar
- Eat when other emotions are up and want to be expressed
- Compare myself to others
- Fear that others and family members will try to make me feel "less than"  
- Make myself feel "less than" by thinking what people might say
- Waste time watching boring tv
- Wasting time surfing the web when there are other things to get done
- Letting my plants go unwatered
- Complain about having to work
- Letting obligations go beyond their deadlines
- Sleeping too much
- Staying up late and past the time I want to go to sleep
- Going unshowered for a day
- Faked happiness
- Letting the actions of others, that I have no control over, get me down
- "Why can't they just get how it's supposed to go..."
- Letting my creativity sit "over there" untouched
- Putting off exercise
- Being afraid I'll offend others if my light shines "too" bright
- Using other's bad moods to influence my mood
- Letting indecision stop me
- Sitting around feeling bad about the things I should be doing
- Going off the transformation.com plan that I know works when I do it!
- Stopping myself from having quality time with myself
- Being afraid of quiet time
- Being fearful of the outcome
- Fear of failure
- Rolling my eyes when practicing gratitude
- Forgetting to put Disco on when I'm in these moods.  (turns me right around!)
- Letting momentary relief out weigh the joy that is beyond the discomfort

DONE!  CHECK!  MASTERED THAT!
And can it be, what is that I feel, a sensation of giddy-ness?  Some lightness in my heart?  A smile on my face?  
Oh I could be onto something!

Everything

Where the grief has brought me, is to a place of frozenness.
I"m not sure where to go, what to do, who I am
I can't quite move forward.
Those to-do lists just don't seem as important.
Goals?  What for?  

Though yesterday I took a walk and I heard for the first time, Everything is Alright.

Everything is Alright.

My mind seems to have it, but my body isn't quite convinced yet, I could feel buzzing in the background.

And it is true.  Everything is Alright.

Work is kinda slow yet Everything is Alright.

It's my birthday and my husband has the flu....yet Everything is Alright.

I have some great ideas that I can't seem to get going on, yet Everything is Alright.

So I guess I'll sit with this.
This....

Everything is Alright

And see what it brings.

Waves of Grief

I thought I was doing pretty well.

And then it hits.

A friend asks, "Are you going to have kids?  Have you thought about it?"  Out of nowhere.

I take a moment and gently smile, "I've had 3 miscarriages. I"m not sure if that is going to happen"

Slowly, gently the tears come.  She's a good enough friend where this is safe.  I remind myself of this.

She moves closer and puts a hand on my arm for support and says yes.

I allow the soft cry to reach down in my belly.   I think, yes, this is what needs to happen.  And it's a good cry.  The kind where your tears taste like the sea.

As I look up the trees are swaying in the wind.  This helps take some of the pain.  A larger container.

This wave was easier than the last.  It's been 2 years since my last miscarriage.  I suspect I'll have more waves, some big, some small, but all in the memory of my children.  The ones lost so young.  And yet I'm so grateful to have had them.

I am a mom.  The tears that come now are the joy in saying that.  I am a mom.

Finding Joy in the Resistance

Why is being happy, being content, feeling my worth, so hard?

I can tell I'm in a that hard part of change.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and so is moving back.  Heck I'm having a hard time knowing what to write next.  What is the struggle trying to teach me?

Does the Dali Lama even wake up and think "I don't want to do this today, think I"ll stay in bed"?    I love his smile.  He seems more human to me than anyone.  Not human as in I see all his faults human, but like I could just be with him human.  He just is.  Or so I perceive.  It would be nice to have tea with him.

And what about hormones?  What do they have to do with all of this?  It's that time in my cycle where I get more emotional.  I want to go back in my shell for a few days.  Luckily with my schedule today, I can do that.  Ahh now that idea feels good.  Think I'll go hide for a little bit.  And a little joy emerges.  Lets see where it takes me!

Titration

A word used in Science to mean to add a little bit at a time so the reaction won't be so big.

Not like the big wave from last April that caused me to go into my shell and back out into the ocean of comfortable predictability.

Not that comfortable....  Once Becoming starts, there is no going back.

The wave of change is washing me up on the shore again.  This time leaving me to wonder how will I emerge form my shell.  The tide moving out, slowly, leaving me, gently lapping against my shell.

I think about the idea of peeking out.