Waves of Grief

I thought I was doing pretty well.

And then it hits.

A friend asks, "Are you going to have kids?  Have you thought about it?"  Out of nowhere.

I take a moment and gently smile, "I've had 3 miscarriages. I"m not sure if that is going to happen"

Slowly, gently the tears come.  She's a good enough friend where this is safe.  I remind myself of this.

She moves closer and puts a hand on my arm for support and says yes.

I allow the soft cry to reach down in my belly.   I think, yes, this is what needs to happen.  And it's a good cry.  The kind where your tears taste like the sea.

As I look up the trees are swaying in the wind.  This helps take some of the pain.  A larger container.

This wave was easier than the last.  It's been 2 years since my last miscarriage.  I suspect I'll have more waves, some big, some small, but all in the memory of my children.  The ones lost so young.  And yet I'm so grateful to have had them.

I am a mom.  The tears that come now are the joy in saying that.  I am a mom.