Finding Joy in the Resistance

Why is being happy, being content, feeling my worth, so hard?

I can tell I'm in a that hard part of change.  Moving forward is uncomfortable and so is moving back.  Heck I'm having a hard time knowing what to write next.  What is the struggle trying to teach me?

Does the Dali Lama even wake up and think "I don't want to do this today, think I"ll stay in bed"?    I love his smile.  He seems more human to me than anyone.  Not human as in I see all his faults human, but like I could just be with him human.  He just is.  Or so I perceive.  It would be nice to have tea with him.

And what about hormones?  What do they have to do with all of this?  It's that time in my cycle where I get more emotional.  I want to go back in my shell for a few days.  Luckily with my schedule today, I can do that.  Ahh now that idea feels good.  Think I'll go hide for a little bit.  And a little joy emerges.  Lets see where it takes me!

Titration

A word used in Science to mean to add a little bit at a time so the reaction won't be so big.

Not like the big wave from last April that caused me to go into my shell and back out into the ocean of comfortable predictability.

Not that comfortable....  Once Becoming starts, there is no going back.

The wave of change is washing me up on the shore again.  This time leaving me to wonder how will I emerge form my shell.  The tide moving out, slowly, leaving me, gently lapping against my shell.

I think about the idea of peeking out.

ReEmerging

There is a tickle in my gut

One that says

joy is on its way

It's been eluding me

for a long time now

It scares me and excites me

It says:

Start now

Start today

We're on our way

So I begin

I am coming out of the fog of grief. In the last 6 months I have endured 2 miscarriages and the loss of my beloved father in law. I've been lost. And now I'm finding myself again. I'm feeling the spark. I look forward to using this blog to explore and expand my emerging presence to life. Writing, sharing, feeling, creating. I once used to craft. Take photos. Teach. I'd like to write. And I look forward to sharing it with you. Welcome.